OK, I'm freaking out. Seriously having an anxiety attack. You know that sick, yucky, something bad is going to happen feeling in your gut? Well, I've got it. And you know why?.... Because I'm going to be 30 years old this month.
You might say that is pretty selfish and silly of me to be feeling this way, but I can't seem to shake it.
I can't really explain my feelings, only that I feel frumpy, old, ugly and as if my body/mind are going down hill incredibly fast. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband and little boy and couldn't be happier with my little family. But as for my own personal feelings - it's different. There are so many things I need/want to be doing and that I'm not. I feel as if I should have accomplished more or have done something great by now. It scares me to death to think that I, Brynn, the baby of the family am seriously going to be 30! Holy freak!
There's no time left!
I want to have another baby, but not right now. Yet, I'm going to be 30, how much time do my girl parts have before they fall apart or just plain shrivel up?
It's been 16 months since Jericho was born and I weigh more now than when I came home from the hospital - DEPRESSING!!!
I work nights, so I am constantly in my sweats/jammies during the day. I take a shower when I get home from the gym in the morning, but then it's just my frizz ball hair do all day or a hat.
My poor, poor husband.
I always said I would be a Nurse Anesthetist or Nurse Practitioner and look at me, I'm 30. I've been a nurse for 10 years now. I know I'll never make it back to school. Is being an ER nurse good enough? Some days I wonder...
I've wanted to make a difference in the world, ok how about just my community? But, I have seemed too self obsessed, or I just always use the excuse that I'm tired. I don't know. All I know is that I wish that I felt as if I was making an impact on the world, in a good way. Not as if I'm sucking everything dry around me...
I love my baby boy and my husband more than anything. I am so incredibly grateful for them and for their love and patience. I see all of these wonderful women who do great things for their families, activites for their kids, and all kinds of great educational things. Me? I am feeling good if I've got Jericho bathed and fed for the day. Not winning Mother of the Year people! I feel as if I'm failing him in so many ways.
30. It just sounds scarey and I am freaking out. Obviously right? I think I just needed to get that out, so thanks for letting me rant. Sorry, if you actually read all of that. You deserve a medal.
P.S. On a happy note, Jericho and I went with my family to California, it was fantastic. Jericho had a good time and did really well. It was nice to come home to my handsome hubby and the incredibly spotless house. Pictures will be coming!!