Thursday, March 4, 2010

26 days and counting....

OK, I'm freaking out. Seriously having an anxiety attack. You know that sick, yucky, something bad is going to happen feeling in your gut? Well, I've got it. And you know why?.... Because I'm going to be 30 years old this month.

You might say that is pretty selfish and silly of me to be feeling this way, but I can't seem to shake it.

I can't really explain my feelings, only that I feel frumpy, old, ugly and as if my body/mind are going down hill incredibly fast. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband and little boy and couldn't be happier with my little family. But as for my own personal feelings - it's different. There are so many things I need/want to be doing and that I'm not. I feel as if I should have accomplished more or have done something great by now. It scares me to death to think that I, Brynn, the baby of the family am seriously going to be 30! Holy freak!
There's no time left!
I want to have another baby, but not right now. Yet, I'm going to be 30, how much time do my girl parts have before they fall apart or just plain shrivel up?
It's been 16 months since Jericho was born and I weigh more now than when I came home from the hospital - DEPRESSING!!!
I work nights, so I am constantly in my sweats/jammies during the day. I take a shower when I get home from the gym in the morning, but then it's just my frizz ball hair do all day or a hat.
No makeup.
My poor, poor husband.

I always said I would be a Nurse Anesthetist or Nurse Practitioner and look at me, I'm 30. I've been a nurse for 10 years now. I know I'll never make it back to school. Is being an ER nurse good enough? Some days I wonder...

I've wanted to make a difference in the world, ok how about just my community? But, I have seemed too self obsessed, or I just always use the excuse that I'm tired. I don't know. All I know is that I wish that I felt as if I was making an impact on the world, in a good way. Not as if I'm sucking everything dry around me...

I love my baby boy and my husband more than anything. I am so incredibly grateful for them and for their love and patience. I see all of these wonderful women who do great things for their families, activites for their kids, and all kinds of great educational things. Me? I am feeling good if I've got Jericho bathed and fed for the day. Not winning Mother of the Year people! I feel as if I'm failing him in so many ways.

30. It just sounds scarey and I am freaking out. Obviously right? I think I just needed to get that out, so thanks for letting me rant. Sorry, if you actually read all of that. You deserve a medal.

P.S. On a happy note, Jericho and I went with my family to California, it was fantastic. Jericho had a good time and did really well. It was nice to come home to my handsome hubby and the incredibly spotless house. Pictures will be coming!!

8 comments:

The Hone's said...

Oh Brynn, your always so hard on yourself. You definately impact my life in good ways. Your always doing great thoughtfull things all the time and I always wonder where you find the time. You are a hard worker and mother and that is enough in my book. I love you and dont worry 30 isnt old now when you turn 40 now that sounds old. LOL Love ya.

Kayla said...

I know that feeling you're having. I've had alot of them myself the past few months. And being single with no prospects makes the feeling even worse!

But take it from me, you are incredible! I would LOVE to be as cute and creative as you are. I would love to be as kind and helpful as you. You may not feel like being an ER nurse is enough or that you are making a difference, but you've made a difference to me! And I know you've made a difference to others. I've seen it first hand. So don't get too discouraged...30 is just a number. Don't let it hold you down because you have SO much to give! :)

Hope said...

I think sometimes to feel we are making a difference in the "world" we feel we have to be running for office or spearheading fund raisers or something. Try to remember that by raising a child who will grow to be a responsible citizen, a sensitive human being, and a child of God with a testimony of where he came from and where he is going, you ARE changing the world. In fact, you are changing the ETERNITITIES.

Don't let Satan distract you by tricking you into thinking what you are doing in your everyday little routine is not of value. In fact, it's just the opposite--it's the most important way we can spend our time. If that's not true, why would the forces of evil work so hard to make us feel otherwise?

(I hope I don't sound preachy or totally "Molly Mormon"...I simply know where you're coming from because I often feel that way myself. But recently I gave a lesson in Young Womens about this very topic and in the end it was such a confirmation to me that it's the little things we do--the little things that don't produce immediate, tangible rewards--that have the most lasting affects and are the most crucial to mankind. So I've been where you are, and on bad days still go there sometimes, but hopefully we can remind ourselves that those feelings do not come from a good place and we have to try to push them aside and have faith in ourselves.)

OK...I'm pretty sure my soapbox is crumbling now, so I'll stop....

:)

Shawna said...

Girl you have got yourself into stinkin thinkin. You are amazing at all you do. You have impacted many lives in your 10 years as a nurse. You also changed Wade from the inside out. You showed him how to love again and not be affraid of it. That in and of itself is great. You then gave birth to a wonderful little blessing. You are a stand up mom, but all moms have times when we feel we arent enough. Im still blown away when I get things in the mail from you, you sent me my first mothers day card. I remember thinking how thoughtful that was and it brought tears to my eyes getting it. As for the num 30, let me tell you girl Im right with you on the fear of it. I will be 30 in Oct. and Im dreading it also. However look over the past 30 years and see all the good, its not like turning 30 is the end. Its a new begining. Remeber your father in heaven blessed you with your talents so dont get down on them or question how great you are at them. You are his child and make him very happy. Thanks for teaching me all that you have, you are great friend.

The Adcocks said...

From one frizzy haired, 30 year old, sweat pant-wearing mom of a young boy, ER nurse, I FEEL YOUR PAIN! Your life and what you're doing in it does make a difference. There is a lot of pressure we put on ourselves, but know I need you. You're my drunken patient partner in crime. If you weren't around, I might think I was the only one dreading 30 and wondering if I truly had a dusty uterus but feeling incredibly guilty because the men in my life are amazing. Hang in there dude, you'll feel much better when you see me at work. =)

Monica said...

I know exactly how you feel!! I struggled a lot when I turned 30 last November. It does get better. I've survived the last 4 months...
I remember clear back in fifth grade when we had a big sleepover at Jessica Perry's house. We were playing a game (that now sounds horrible!!) and I went first. Everyone had to write three things down that they liked about that person and three things that they didn't. (Aren't girls mean?!) A few girls took their turn and told me those things, but then it was your turn to read your list and you wouldn't do it. You did not want to say anything mean to anyone. I know that was a long time ago and probably something dumb to most people, but I have never forgotten the mean things that were said. I also haven't forgotten that you didn't care what others said or did..you did what you wanted. So don't forget that you are AwEsOme!!!

M Occasionally B said...

Is there really such a thing as "just a nurse"? Nurses are INCREDIABLE! Your awesome and should feel proud of all you've accomplished. Having a happy family is amazing and so important and you are so blessed to have a hubby and lil boy who just love you. Besides 30 isn't that old(take it from me ;)!)

Nikki said...

You are a great example to me and I hope someday we have time to be closer and get to know eachother a little better. I think you are an amazing person and wonderful wife and mother! Keep your chin up and thanks for posting this because it's good to know I'm not alone in my feelings. And I'm thankful I could read the comments and good advice people have left you! Love ya!